Tiny epiphanies...

Tiny epiphanies happening again tonight. Thinking about my weight rut and my recent experiences at the gym. I am watching Biggest Loser and trying to pinpoint why it isn't motivating me like it used to. I put Theo through one of my rambling rants but I came to some ideas I like.

I don't like limitations.
I don't like feeling like I can't have something, and my usual response to this feeling is to have it in excess just because I can- like a kid not allowed to have soda at home going to birthday and drinking cup after cup after cup (Ben has actually done this). I always go back to my three years on weight watcher's where I never, ever "cheated," and I had assigned all these values to food choices. I don't ever want to live a life where cake is always a no. Where I feel like can't bake for my kids because I will eat the whole loaf of pumpkin bread in one day.
I am awful at moderation. I need to work on this. This concept of moderation must become and remain my focus.

I also don't like having physical limitations. When I hurt my back a few summer ago (walking a few miles a day pushing my too big kids in a double stroller up a hill over and over, duh, exercising), the result was I couldn't do my normal housework, couldn't get through grocery shopping. I was so frustrated. I gained a ton of weight because I could not do much, and I was depressed and I ate and ate and ate. I topped out over 300 lbs.

I can remember crying in Walmart because I had forgotten something on my list that was all the way at the other end of the store, and I physically could not get back over there to get it- it hurt just to get the register, just to get the car. Regardless of vicodin, muscle relaxers, walking around with my tens unit attached to my back-there were days I could not grocery shop. Seriously. The helplessness of not being able to go back up and down the steps for the kids was awful. I would breath so heavy, and sometimes it felt like I would die. Just awful. Through physical therapy I was able to get my back pain under control. I loosely did weight watchers on/off since then and have lost some weight, gained some weight.
Lately, weight loss has not been my story. I have not been able to track food successfully without quitting, and I have not been able to just tell myself to eat good- but up until this last week I have been going to gym consistently. I came to the conclusion that I want to keep going to the gym because I don't like being bedbound. I don't like not being able to to what I need to be able to do. I want to be able to go up and down steps without pain!

...So I am not going to the gym to be the biggest loser, I am going to live. I can't let this week of not going to the gym become my reality, I can't quit.

Just my thoughts tonight.