Revisting October 2006 and February 2007

Sunday marked one year since Theo's seizures. He had an EEG on Monday, and it was normal. He's no longer taking any medication. He's as healthy as he seemingly was the morning before the seizures abruptly haulted our lives. This "anniversary" reminds me that I am so lucky to have him. The night he suddenly lie unresponsive on our living room floor I thought I lost him, every panic-stricken cell in my body felt crushed and lifeless.

Theo's the wind in my sails, and without him I'm just confused and stranded. He needed me, and I needed him to wake up and tell me what to do. Frightening, huh? Thank heaven for the 911 operator and ambulance crew, who where there by the time the second and third severe seizures occured. In the ten minutes I was without help all I could do was scoop him up in my arms and keep him off his back, and talk into his ear telling him he'd be okay. His tongue swole right out of his mouth, he was bleeding, and he was shaking, and his eyes were rolled back into his head. The sound of his moans rang in my ears for months. The site of him was burned into my mind. I was still kissing him, I didn't know what had happened, I mean, I suspected a seizure or stroke, but I just didn't want his lights to go out, and I was not letting go. I pleaded so loudly for it all to end, and reassured him he was okay, as I begged God to let him to look at me again. I feared he'd have brain damage, or worse. I thought I'd never have him to look at us or hear us again.

He stayed sedated for days, and I quivered staring at his body in the ICU, strapped down, tubed, lifeless except for he earie pump of oxygen and the beeping of the machines. How panicked he was when he woke up, and even more so when I told him what had happened and he began sobbing this quiet defeated cry b/c he thought he was going to die. We celebrated the 6th anniversary of the day we met in the hospital. He was awake by then, still piecing it all together. Why do these things happen? Why take a man who is so many people's rock and force him to face his own mortality after he'd already survived a year in Iraq? This just all seems like too much for one man to endure.

And doesn't it seem like too much for one family to have to endure yet another year apart? Take your average American family and tell him the mother or father of the family is leaving for a year and they are freaked out! People on reality TV act like a few weeks apart are eternal. Army families all over our country go 12-15 months at a time without their family member, often 3-4 times in a lifetime.

Lately, deployment is on the brain a lot. The fear. The lonliness. The worry. The responsibility. The need for help. I've pushed a lot of the hard stuff out of my mind, I don't like to remember how difficult having Theo gone was, because I know its coming again soon. Trust me, there are daily reminders deployment is looming, like the early hours Theo's putting in, the late hours, the work coming home with him. The stress he's experiencing. All of this is overwhelming to even talk about!

When Theo came home last time they allowed us to see him for a few hours before he had to do a week of demobilizing stuff. I wanted so badly to go up and see him climb off the plane. I needed help though. Leena and Adam had asked about coming to visit that weekend anyway, so I begged them to help me go see Theo. They agreed,and they drove a buttload of time to help me take care of the boys as we waited, and waited, and waited for Theo's plane to land. They mostly watched Ben run all around like mad man. Hunter cried the entire day. He refused to nurse, and it was chilly outside. He could sense that my stomach was about to pour out of my nose, too, I think. Nonetheless, we saw Theo, and all was well. I can't thank Leena and Adam enough for that day. I was such a nervous wreck, so very out of it, and they just endured me, and the whole darn experience. THANK YOU!

If that weren't enough Leena and Adam were our photo and video people the whole darn time, too. Yesterday this CD arrived in the mail. I had forgotten Adam had videotaped the whole event! I can't figure out how to upload the video on here, but I was able to share the pictures from Theo's homecoming. How special this DVD is! Thank you so much you guys! It means so much to us!

Theo meets Hunter for the first time:




Of course, watching the awkward reunion between Theo and I flooded a crap-ton of emotions from the deployment up too. Re-orienting to each other is HARD! You'll find it hard to believe but the reuniting is harder than being apart in some ways. People change and grow so much in a year, expecially when they are in unique circumstances like war and being alone at home pregnant and with a new baby. In many ways deployment saved our marriage, strengthed us as individuals and as a unit...it teaches you to really appreciate what you have every moment.

Now that we know how hard deployment can be, it seems like the next one should be easier. I hear a lot of wives get so hardened they don't even go to send off etc. I don't see me getting that way, but I do have some comfort in knowing what to expect, and what to do.

I could see the shock in Theo's eyes as we watched the video from Adam and Leena last night: how much Ben had grown since he's been home. Ben could barely talk that day at Volk Field. He was merely Hunter's age now, saying "plane" over and over, getting Cheetoes all over the place. I know it scares Theo to think of how much he'll miss this time. Scares me, too. I don't feel ready for all the positive talk yet, the"we can do this" stuff. It is what it is. Hard. Inevitable. Looming. Bare with me as I blog this topic into the ground. Kay?

Tomorrow is the 7th annivesary of the day we met. Wowza. Don't trade me in yet, okay? LOL.

Maybe tomorrow I'll blog about our romantic meeting?

I love you honey! Happy Valentine's Day.

EDITTED: Hunter just climbed in my lap and looked at the pictures. He said, "dada. mama. bay-bee" looking at the last picture. So cute!