Cloudy Thoughts

I went to my weekly Weight Watcher's meeting Thursday morning. I lost another .6 lbs, with my total weight loss since December 31st (5 weeks) at 10.2 lbs. I am happy I have lost an average of 2 lbs per week, which is very healthy, but, honestly, I am disappointed with my results.

I started this program weighing 302.3 lbs. By far the heaviest I ever been in my life by 30 + lbs. Even when I gave birth to my kids I weighed only 264. Only, lol. I have followed the plan, never deviated from my points. I've measured. I've focused on filling foods, and eaten my veggies. I guess, I would just expect that the weight would come off a little quicker. I know averaging 2 lbs a week is healthy and attainable goal, but secretly, inside, I was hoping the first month would give me a little extra lost weight to boost my ego, motivate me, make me feel like a champion again.

These last two weeks have been rough, to say the least. Emotionally, I'm a wreck. I am usually very in touch with my feelings, and right now, I'm confused, and not quite sure what I feel. The heightened emotions I have been feeling have created this "lump" in my stomach, where I feel like I'm storing water or worry, or both. Hard to explain, but I think the stress is causing me to bloat. The drive I had the first 3 weeks has been run over by my circumstances.

A few feelings I have I know for sure:
I'm angry my husband is an alcoholic.
I'm angry he spent all our money on alcohol.
I'm so disappointed that we don't have any money.
I am proud he is changing and I want to support him, but I have a lot to learn.
I am angry my back is injured, and some days I can't do even the most simple things.
I am frustrated, and feeling very much confused and unfocused.
My focus and my emotions are cloudy.
I want instant results in weight loss, and am frustrated that I can't have them.
I am struggling with the vast road in front of me, it feels like this weight loss may take forever.
I am anxious.
I hate math, and taking over the family finances is stressing me out.
I also have cabin fever.

This week's Weight Watcher's "Tools for Living," presented us with 3 sheets of paper, with 3 different concepts, all meant to challenge us to stay motivated, or get re-motivated. I was shocked to see how much I struggled to come up with the words to fill out the questions. Me, without words? It only took typing them out here to find my words. Thank goodness!

A) Motivating Strategy

1. Imagine yourself having already achieved your winning outcomes. Where are you? What are you doing, hearing, wearing, etc. ? I am with my kids, am a positive example. I am able to run, climb the sledding hill over and over, wear a bathing suit and go through the sprinklers, and make and eat healthy snacks. I am a jeans and t-shirt mom, wearing colors and textures that express who I am. I am someone my husband wants to love and take good care of. I am smiling, and carefree, and I feel like I can do anything. I am free from the fat and some of the back pain that traps me. Okay, this one was pretty clear.

2. Think about how you'll feel when you achieve your goal. What does success feel like? I honestly barely remember what success feels like. I think it feels like self-respect. Pride. Like I'm full of life.

3. Keep those good feelings close as you practice the bahviors you know will help you make your prgress toward your weight goal. What are some of those other behaviors? Eating healthy snacks, meals, portions. Carrying a water bottle again, and drinking it frequently. Doing what I can for myself, without help, within the limits of my back pain restrictions. Dreaming about a healthy life, and staying focused on how that life will feel, while being mindful of the reasons I want to leave the past behind.

B) Positive Self-Talking

Negative v. Positive Thoughts

1. I can't do this. I can do this. I have done this before. I have all the knowledge I need to achieve health. It's not that hard. Things are only as hard as I let them be. I can control the significance of food and overeating in my life. I am focused.

2. I'll never reach my weight goal. While my weight goal may seem so far away, I can only reach it by staying on the plan. I can't control the pace at which I achieve my goal, but I can control whether I work towards or away from the goal. Towards is always better. Make smaller goals to achieve along the way.

3. I can't say no to food. I can say no. I've done this before. It's not that hard. It is worth it in the end.

C) Anchoring

1. Identify the inner source you need to handle a challenging situation.
the phrase, "I can do anything."

2. Remember a time when you had this inner resource, as vividly as you can.

I hate to go to deep here, kids, but I must. I remember my anchor, my quiet vision to keep me going last time I was on Weight Watcher's. I had been a fat girl my whole life, not one day slim, ever. My anchor was this dream of thinness, this diluted fantasy that being thin would some how open new doors for me, make me someone different, change everything. I thought I could wear a bathing suit without fear. I thought I could look good everyday. I was determined to be this superwoman I saw in my mind, and I used the general feeling of "I can do anything!" to achieve success.

After losing 100 lbs, and keeping it off for 3 years, I sadly learned thin me was the same as fat me. Sure I was more organized, and I could run, but not much else changed for the better. I had no idea how to dress my new body. I had to relearn to live life with smaller than average breasts (I went from 42DD to 34B). I was looked at by men in ways I had never experienced, and it made me uncomfortable on many levels. My hair was thinner, and my face wasn't as pretty. I never relaxed because I was always counting every bite of food I put into my mouth, every single day, including my wedding day, honeymoon, graduation from graduate school, birthdays. Every morsel had a points value, and my quality of life was altered because of it.

Everyday required absurd hours of activity to maintain fitness. I never made the WW suggested weight of 155lbs naturally, so I took these dangerous diet pills and made the weight, only to make myself quite sick. My body fat percentage went down to something wild, like 9%, which I was told was a number that could be found on an anorexic. The night my husband proposed to me I had skipped dinner and taken diet pills, so I could "save calories" for Thanksgiving the following day. Dumb! I was so sick it felt like my stomach was eating itself; he barely had the chance to set up the proposal scene, and after I said yes, in the most romantic, candle-lit, rose petal covered room, I fell asleep. I quit the diet pills a month later, and stayed about 5-12 lbs above the weight watcher's suggested weight it for 3 years, ultimately feeling like a failure. I wore a bathing suit without a cover maybe 2 times. My body was still the same as it was when I was fat, pock marked, stretch marked, unsmooth, bumpy, akward, and course in spots. Being thin did not give me a nice magazine body, it gave me the same body, just smaller. The most screwed up part? When I looked in the mirror, I had trouble seeing myself, I only saw the former me. Imagine the lack of identity you feel to not recognize your own reflection in a store window's glass, even after a double-take.

The most startling aspect of being thin? I did not feel that much better. I could go farther, hiking huge waterfalls, and running at the gym in the morning, walking almost constantly with ease. But, I still had back problems. When you have disk issues, they don't go away, no matter your size. I also had the most odd discovery through an MRI. Apparently, I born defective: my coccyx (tailbone) is a funny shape. If I sat on a hard surface when I was thin, the bone would literally poke through my skin and cut me! Painful! They told me to buy a coccyx cushion and carry it with me everywhere, and I laughed... I had one of those, 100lbs ago! To this day my husband calls me "chicken," a nickname that came from my bony legs and "chicken butt" when I was thin. When I sat on his lap, my curved coccyx would poke him, prompting the playful name. Nice, huh?

In sum, being thin did not make me happy. It sent me into an identity crisis, and left me confused, disillisioned, and spastic.

3. Chose an anchor (an object, mental picture, gesture, or word) that will bring you back to that time and resource in an instant.

So, what do I use as an inner resource this time around? I'm not sure, but I think, ability. Maybe health. Both? I'm no fool. I know 300lbs has never been a healthy weight for anyone. But somewhere around 200lbs or so I had great cholestrol, physical strength, muscles, and enough padding to keep my coccyx inside my body. lol. No kidding, I look pretty great at 200lbs. In fact, I met my husband at that size. I wear a 14/16 at 200lbs, which is close to the size of the average American woman. I can shoot for average, because "average" is spectacular for me.
My anchor is a visual of this fitter, more healthy, realistic me. I am playing with my kids. I am running with them, hiking, skating, and eating birthday cake. The cake part is important, because I want to be able to lead a normal life, not depriving myself of controlled indulgences. I am also wearing this pair of jeans I have in the closet. I am beautiful. I am lighter, more free, more movable, moving, I am smiling, and content, and celebrating.

4. When you need that inner resource, touch, say, or see the anchor and remember again a time when you had that strong inner resource.

I am digging out the jeans today, and hanging them up somewhere. Perhaps the kitchen. lol.

This week I know I must:
Reward my successes emotionally, by allowing myself joy despite the circumstances.
Count my points closely, remeasuring, and double-checking.
**note: I started this one already and found the amount of milk I have been putting in my cereal each morning is 4 pts, and I've been counting it as 2 points. Since I have this exact thing every morning, this very well may be why I have not lost more weight in the last 2 weeks. A one-time mistake like this would not be a deal breaker, but I have been eating 2 pts more than I should have every day, which can definately slow things up.
Keep walking as much as I can.
Do all of my physical therapy.
Re-gain focus. Maintain the focused feeling.