Working on it.

Still going strong here. 

For the most part.

Yesterday was my biggest struggle day- I was just hungry all day. I indulged the idea of baking cookies. I thought about ice cream. I let the thoughts flow through my mind, but I didn't follow through because I didn't think I could avoid eating them all.

I luckily had my flex points available, so I used them. I indulged some of the carb and sugar cravings in the form of a weight watchers muffin, snack bar, and one piece of chocolate and then had hearty dinner- crab stuffed flounder, scallops and peas, and two baked potatoes. Yes. Two. With sour cream and margarine.

I tracked and weighed every darn morsel, and this morning I woke up without the feeling I needed to eat more. I am reluctantly going to the gym this morning. I know I will feel better afterward. Right now I feel bloated, and want to lay on the couch in my robe- but the truth is, the gym is going to make me feel a ton better, wake my body up, and help me achieve my goals.

In other news... this was an amazing week for my Etsy shop. I never would have imagined I would still be selling scarves! Last January I sold one scarf, and this January I am teetering on 80 sales, and the month still isn't over. I am having a blast with new fabrics- and colors. Adding a white and daffodil yellow scarf to the shop this week- as customers have requested the items, allowing me the time to make something new and different while still fulfilling orders.

I'm still longing to get back to making unique items- using the stash of yarn I have accumulated- as well as other crafts like scrapbooking... but the chance to make a little income for my family and grow my business far trumps this longing. :)

I added this nectarine hued scarf yesterday.

Winter Mint Scarf

I just had a box of this beautiful mint yarn delivered! Back in stock here.

Begin Again

I love this banner from ohalbatross on Etsy!

Commited.

I did wake up with a little bit of bitter taste left in my mouth this morning, not gonna lie. My husband I had a long heart to heart last night and I truly feel a ton better about my meeting experience last night.  We talked it out. We let our thoughts wander. I was reminded of how far I've come. How tired of comparing everything to my first successful weight loss experience. I dissected it last night... and reminded myself of the good things it brought me, but also where my mis-steps were.

I've never verbalized this as honestly as I am here, and so this is very theraputic for me...

I had no idea what most vegetables & many fruit were before I joined WW the first time. Kid you not- I had never done anything but spit out the "green things" in the casseroles. I was an angry, bratty little kid, and when presented with vegetables I fought my family- and after time, they pretty much stopped fighting me back. I can remember vomitting up carrots my mom made me eat-at the dinner table. I can still see my grandpa rolling his eyes and my sweet grandma pushed the peas in my direction again and again, as I disrespectfully pushed them right back, not without the sassy verbage.

I didn't eat potatoes unless they were fried french fries. Tomatoes were only comsumed though pizza sauce. Holiday dinners I had two things on my plate: meat and bread. I'm pretty sure I didn't know pizza sauce was made from tomatoes- I might not have eaten it. I didn't even know what most of the things in the vegetable/fruit dept were! I had to read, and look them up, and bring them home and cut them and touch them, and taste them.

I still can't say I used them correctly. By the time my points got down real low and I was nearing the lifetime marker my eating habits had already swayed back towards carbs and meat. I would have oatmeal for breakfast and air popped popcorn mixed with a bag of microwave kettle corn, with an apple for lunch. I would skip the fruit and eat a bite of candy, making poor choices with my points. (Fruit and veggies had point values back then). I still had veggies & fruit - but not as many as I could have, not as creatively as I should have. I look back and wonder why I had no fat on my body left, no breast tissue, my hair falling out, my heart racing and always feeling like I was starving. I may have been within points but my nutrition was whacked.

I think the reason I quit tracking that fatefull fall of 2003 was because I needed more nourishment. Coupled with the gym closing. By them time I realized I was losing control and I marched back onto the weight watcher's plan I found out I was pregnant. The rest is history.

I've often said I won't ever try to be that thin again because I was so hungry all the time and had to work out 6 days a week. No, Jamie, you didn't have a clue what to eat to nourish yourself- and you are older and wiser now. Trust yourself. This time will be better. It might take longer to get there, but now that you acknowledge when/why you lose track, and you have your husband taking this journey with you... there is nothing to worry about.

Now, as I developed a lot of my taste pallet, and actually spend half the year growing my own vegetables, I feel a million times more equipt to handle this whole thing.

So after my chat with my husband I caught myself having a bit of a revelation this morning. As I was typing a comment to a friend this came out of me:

I am giving it forever.

I truly have no intention of ever not tracking again. This has been a huge change for me in that I usually let the prospect of going off track linger in the back of my mind like a sweet temptation- but this time I know I can't ever, ever, ever let myself not track again. It simply doesn't work for me and will mean impending health risks, and eventually death.

Whoa, that's some serious shizz. lol. I guess I am taking my 300lb weight seriously. The stronger I hold onto this principle, the more likely it will become a reality I never look back on.

Meeting Schmeeting.

So, went to my second Weight Watcher's meeting (this year, this time around). I've been tracking for 3 weeks now, but this was my first chance to weigh in and potentially lose. I tracked every bite, used my scale to weight every morsel, and measuring devices when possible, and I gained .2

If this was a few months in, I'd chalk it up to bloating (its not my time of the month), or just one of those things that happens, but the truth is- 3 weeks in, I should have lost weight, and have no reasonable answer as to why I didn't lose weight. I'm 299 lbs, and I've got plenty of it to freaking lose.

With that- there's nothing more I can do. I kind of have this attitutude that I don't have time for the bullshit.  I could beat myself up, cry, get all angry, but goodness- where would that get me? It won't change the number on the scale. And its just a number on the scale.

*I'm snapping at my family as I'm typing this because we usually eat dinner at 4:30, and it's 8:04, and I haven't had a bite to each or drink since 2pm. Remind me to vent about evening meetings and the 4 lbs difference between my weight this morning, and my weight this evening. So, sorry family, I yelled out of hunger.

So many emotions going into the meetings again that it's hard to keep it together. I look at people with these wonderful success stories, and we all clap and celebrate for them, and I used to be that person, and I hate myself for letting it all go again. I'm sitting there, the fattest of the fatties, and saying a single word in the realm of tips or advice looks moronic at best.

I just want to hurry up and get the good part again.
Tracking just the same this week. Keeping all the added fruits and veggies of last week because it really truly helped, and I hardly felt hungry all week.

Hopefully I'll be back with a great f-ing number next week.

Some Life-Fitness Goals

I've been saying for years that I want to try snowshoeing. Each time winter really sets in I'm so far back out of shape that snowshoeing doesn't seem worth the investment. Afterall, if I can only go a 1/4 of mile, spending hundreds should probably go towards a gym or more fresh produce...

This week we went walking out into the woods where Theo hunts to take down his stuff for the season.  We ventured on a brief walk through some deep snow that hadn't been walked through yet. I'm not gonna lie, it challengd me.  I've been sick, and my lungs aren't exactly healthy- and I was way too out of shape to keep myself from huffing and puffing, and then coughing to an embarassing level. It all made me want to get some damn snowshoes and try again.

Flash forward later this week we are at Cabela's, and I'm eye-balling the snow shoes. I decided to make achieving the snowshoe goal a main tenet in this life-changing journey to lose weight. I want to be able to march out Cabela's for Christmas (or even late fall) and get those snowshoes- and not feel the least bit bad about it.

Link

For more on the "One Little Word" concept click here. There's a class and everything...

Overeating Issue

I'm pretty excited about how different this journey feels this year. I am taking as many moments as I can to consciously not look back.  In the past, when I have had successful weight loss I've taken two approaches. The first time I had no intention of ever going back to eating too much. I was great at counting, and counted my points every day for 3 years as easy as breathing. I also excercised every day almost. Then we moved to Wisconsin, struggled emotionally and financially, our gym closed, and I had a few weeks of falling off track that ended with finding out I was pregnant- to which I responded by eating myself into oblivion. The deprivation I had endured for 3 years snowballed into this "spoiling" myself with whole pizzas and batches of cookies/cookie dough. There were some great things about my methods during the successful phase, like lightening up some great recipes (recipes long since gone), but overall, it wasn't a great balance, and it didn't work for real life.

The other times (twice more I have lost near 80-100 lbs) I always had this lingering idea that once I lost the weight I could go back to having dozens of cookies at Christmas, and eating too much in general. I told myself this was a permanent change, but left the possibility of overeating available, and took it once in while, usually spiraling into more and more overeating, and the weight all coming back.

This time, I my focus is entirely on pushing as far away from overeating as I can.  I want to eliminate the overeating from my life completely. I am pushing myself to adapt the things I crave, and the amounts I crave. I'm adjusting the lense. I'm using the word "overeating," which I don't think I've ever acknowledged as a problem before. I just feel better about it.

Love how this quotation from a Honda commercial of all places ties into my word of the year: "Things can always be better."

One little word.

So I've always admired this thing one of my favorite designers does. Ali Edwards does this "one little word" thing, where each year she chooses a word for the year. I've never tried it.  I've intended to, maybe even selected a word, but never followed through.  This year, I wanted to. I had it in the back of my mind. The night before last, as I was lying awake in bed unable to calm my mind the word just came to me.
My word is PUSH.
I'm going to push myself.
Push to:
Learn more.
Be more.
Make more.
Love more.
To listen.
To admit I'm wrong.
Be more present.
Lose more weight.
Be more active.
Push myself not to get out of my comfort zone but expand that comfort zone to include places like longer trails, and the gym. Because I remember the gym used to be a nice comfortable place for me. I know it can be comfortable.
I will not stop pushing myself this year.
I have a book coming in the mail that is going to help me love ny child within. I will push myself to read this book, and let it change my life.
I will not shame this woman in the picture, by telling her that her accomplishments losing 100 lbs and keeping it off for 3 years were not a waste, but a victory. I will promise her to do it again, but not just to be healthy, to change her life, and kiss this unhealthy way goodbye.

Photo from summer 2001, Catalina Island. My weight then about 160. Size 12.  

Once upon a time.

I'm already 10.6 lbs down this year. This month I'm permitting myself to look back at the healthier years and remember the positive way I felt. For the past few years I have been telling myself I wasn't happy when I was smaller.  This morning I'm admitting that is a lie that I tell myself in order to feel better. Truly going back to being as healthy as I once was is the only solution. I have mountains I want to climb, waterfalls I want to  scale, things that I need to do to save my own life. I started counting my points 2 weeks ago and weighed in a whopping 309 pounds. I'm disgusted and motivated and ready to change my life. And I never want to look back.

Photo from summer 2001. MY weight then was roughly 170lbs. Size 12-14.