Commited.

I did wake up with a little bit of bitter taste left in my mouth this morning, not gonna lie. My husband I had a long heart to heart last night and I truly feel a ton better about my meeting experience last night.  We talked it out. We let our thoughts wander. I was reminded of how far I've come. How tired of comparing everything to my first successful weight loss experience. I dissected it last night... and reminded myself of the good things it brought me, but also where my mis-steps were.

I've never verbalized this as honestly as I am here, and so this is very theraputic for me...

I had no idea what most vegetables & many fruit were before I joined WW the first time. Kid you not- I had never done anything but spit out the "green things" in the casseroles. I was an angry, bratty little kid, and when presented with vegetables I fought my family- and after time, they pretty much stopped fighting me back. I can remember vomitting up carrots my mom made me eat-at the dinner table. I can still see my grandpa rolling his eyes and my sweet grandma pushed the peas in my direction again and again, as I disrespectfully pushed them right back, not without the sassy verbage.

I didn't eat potatoes unless they were fried french fries. Tomatoes were only comsumed though pizza sauce. Holiday dinners I had two things on my plate: meat and bread. I'm pretty sure I didn't know pizza sauce was made from tomatoes- I might not have eaten it. I didn't even know what most of the things in the vegetable/fruit dept were! I had to read, and look them up, and bring them home and cut them and touch them, and taste them.

I still can't say I used them correctly. By the time my points got down real low and I was nearing the lifetime marker my eating habits had already swayed back towards carbs and meat. I would have oatmeal for breakfast and air popped popcorn mixed with a bag of microwave kettle corn, with an apple for lunch. I would skip the fruit and eat a bite of candy, making poor choices with my points. (Fruit and veggies had point values back then). I still had veggies & fruit - but not as many as I could have, not as creatively as I should have. I look back and wonder why I had no fat on my body left, no breast tissue, my hair falling out, my heart racing and always feeling like I was starving. I may have been within points but my nutrition was whacked.

I think the reason I quit tracking that fatefull fall of 2003 was because I needed more nourishment. Coupled with the gym closing. By them time I realized I was losing control and I marched back onto the weight watcher's plan I found out I was pregnant. The rest is history.

I've often said I won't ever try to be that thin again because I was so hungry all the time and had to work out 6 days a week. No, Jamie, you didn't have a clue what to eat to nourish yourself- and you are older and wiser now. Trust yourself. This time will be better. It might take longer to get there, but now that you acknowledge when/why you lose track, and you have your husband taking this journey with you... there is nothing to worry about.

Now, as I developed a lot of my taste pallet, and actually spend half the year growing my own vegetables, I feel a million times more equipt to handle this whole thing.

So after my chat with my husband I caught myself having a bit of a revelation this morning. As I was typing a comment to a friend this came out of me:

I am giving it forever.

I truly have no intention of ever not tracking again. This has been a huge change for me in that I usually let the prospect of going off track linger in the back of my mind like a sweet temptation- but this time I know I can't ever, ever, ever let myself not track again. It simply doesn't work for me and will mean impending health risks, and eventually death.

Whoa, that's some serious shizz. lol. I guess I am taking my 300lb weight seriously. The stronger I hold onto this principle, the more likely it will become a reality I never look back on.