Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Commited.

I did wake up with a little bit of bitter taste left in my mouth this morning, not gonna lie. My husband I had a long heart to heart last night and I truly feel a ton better about my meeting experience last night.  We talked it out. We let our thoughts wander. I was reminded of how far I've come. How tired of comparing everything to my first successful weight loss experience. I dissected it last night... and reminded myself of the good things it brought me, but also where my mis-steps were.

I've never verbalized this as honestly as I am here, and so this is very theraputic for me...

I had no idea what most vegetables & many fruit were before I joined WW the first time. Kid you not- I had never done anything but spit out the "green things" in the casseroles. I was an angry, bratty little kid, and when presented with vegetables I fought my family- and after time, they pretty much stopped fighting me back. I can remember vomitting up carrots my mom made me eat-at the dinner table. I can still see my grandpa rolling his eyes and my sweet grandma pushed the peas in my direction again and again, as I disrespectfully pushed them right back, not without the sassy verbage.

I didn't eat potatoes unless they were fried french fries. Tomatoes were only comsumed though pizza sauce. Holiday dinners I had two things on my plate: meat and bread. I'm pretty sure I didn't know pizza sauce was made from tomatoes- I might not have eaten it. I didn't even know what most of the things in the vegetable/fruit dept were! I had to read, and look them up, and bring them home and cut them and touch them, and taste them.

I still can't say I used them correctly. By the time my points got down real low and I was nearing the lifetime marker my eating habits had already swayed back towards carbs and meat. I would have oatmeal for breakfast and air popped popcorn mixed with a bag of microwave kettle corn, with an apple for lunch. I would skip the fruit and eat a bite of candy, making poor choices with my points. (Fruit and veggies had point values back then). I still had veggies & fruit - but not as many as I could have, not as creatively as I should have. I look back and wonder why I had no fat on my body left, no breast tissue, my hair falling out, my heart racing and always feeling like I was starving. I may have been within points but my nutrition was whacked.

I think the reason I quit tracking that fatefull fall of 2003 was because I needed more nourishment. Coupled with the gym closing. By them time I realized I was losing control and I marched back onto the weight watcher's plan I found out I was pregnant. The rest is history.

I've often said I won't ever try to be that thin again because I was so hungry all the time and had to work out 6 days a week. No, Jamie, you didn't have a clue what to eat to nourish yourself- and you are older and wiser now. Trust yourself. This time will be better. It might take longer to get there, but now that you acknowledge when/why you lose track, and you have your husband taking this journey with you... there is nothing to worry about.

Now, as I developed a lot of my taste pallet, and actually spend half the year growing my own vegetables, I feel a million times more equipt to handle this whole thing.

So after my chat with my husband I caught myself having a bit of a revelation this morning. As I was typing a comment to a friend this came out of me:

I am giving it forever.

I truly have no intention of ever not tracking again. This has been a huge change for me in that I usually let the prospect of going off track linger in the back of my mind like a sweet temptation- but this time I know I can't ever, ever, ever let myself not track again. It simply doesn't work for me and will mean impending health risks, and eventually death.

Whoa, that's some serious shizz. lol. I guess I am taking my 300lb weight seriously. The stronger I hold onto this principle, the more likely it will become a reality I never look back on.

2 comments:

leena! said...

I had the same problems with vegetables being foreign objects to me. I grew up eating mostly canned veg, all which sort of tasted like tin, so I naturally hated them. I had a basic fast food diet well into college, which made me really sick. Vegetables to me were the mashed potatoes and gravy and coleslaw from KFC :)

Thanks to culinary school and living in Australia for a year and a half, I grew to love veggies and cook them in ways that made me want to eat them, but were still healthy. I'm still not perfect, but I try to have a spinach salad for lunch every day, and I try to have two veg with dinner, ideally none of them being a starch.

And I'm going on two years to lose my baby weight, thanks to my newly diagnosed sickness that prevents me from working out too hard. Baby steps. I'm with you lady.

Jamie said...

So glad to know I'm not alone... the veggie thing has been embarassing for me. So glad I've turned the corrner and love them so much.
I hope you find a nice medium- you know I also know the struggles with finding the right excercise for my fibromyalgia. The very best thing I've figured out is extreme moderation. :)