Doing it for these two.

See these two little angels? Two adorable, sticky little buggers who run our lives? They deserve a hell of a lot better from me. I'm pretty peaved with myself.








I know I've sung this song before, but I beg you to hear with fresh ears because it is with a fresh voice I'm singing. Not that it matters if anyone is listening, because I'm going on this journey alone, no matter what. But, I'd be lying if I said I didn't need the support. I'm starting Weight Watcher's in the morning. I have to.


Not too long ago, wearing a size 22, and weighing somewhere abouts 260 lbs, I was ACTUALLY feeling pretty okay, relatively fit, walking often. Set back sometimes by fibromyalgia, but I maintained my garden, cared for my kids, and had a good love-life with my husband.


Somewhere along the line (probably pushing a 4 and 2 year old in a double stroller up hill twice week), I injured myself badly enough to begin physical therapy for my hip, and found my occasional lower back pain worsening into some serious pain. Know the pain scale? We're talking 9-10. Labor-like pains, all day sometimes.


There was a defining week back in October: my physical therapist told me not to bend AT ALL. Haha! I have two kids, 5 cats, a dog, a husband (who, while mostly perfect, does like to leave his clothes on the floor every day), and a massive garden. Plus, I am a serious clutz. I must drop 50% of the things I pick up. No bending? How?


But, I tried it. I called little Ben and Hunter to pick things up for me. I succumbed to looking lazy and stupid, asking people around me to pick things up. The therapy helped, and I read a great book on fixing your back pain, but the insurance only covered several visits. And my pain worsened.


I went in for my annual appointment and asked for more physical therapy, which I have been given. Several months were approved, actually. I have been given muscle relaxers and more Vicodin, which I take daily because it is necessary. The therapy is helping, but I am in a lot of pain still.


So, since October I have not been able to to wash dishes, carry laundry, garden for more than 5 careful minutes at a time, clean low down or hard to reach places, and more. My husband has picked up most of those tasks. Last week we added "no vacuuming," per the physical therapist.


Most days walking through even a simple place like the grocery store is impossible. I am steps away from being one of those people in the motorized cart at Walmart.


In fact, sitting here hurts.


Turns out, when you take all those tasks away you have a pretty sedentary existence! I've put on 30 or more pounds (we'll see in the morning), and my size 24's are getting too snug to fit. My weight gain went straight to my breasts and stomach, which makes my back hurt soooo much more. This is a dangerous and alarming cycle I'm in.


I don't feel "right." My stomach is expanding like a pregnant woman's and it's uncomfortable. I am terribly unfit... but how do you stay fit when you can't DO anything? I'm starting to worry about my health in ways I have never though of before--- my blood pressure was high for the very first time in my life. I am beyond frustrated, and the only thing I feel I can do not is cut my calories. Make it right.


I am taking my guilty soothing pleasure of food away, and saving my own life. Period. Now. Well, in about 8 hours.

So kiss this fat lady goodbye, again. And wish me luck!!!


I have not attended a meeting for Weight Watcher's since the summer of 2002 (as I maintained 100 lbs weight loss), so I'm nervous and excited!!!!!!!