Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Doing it for these two.

See these two little angels? Two adorable, sticky little buggers who run our lives? They deserve a hell of a lot better from me. I'm pretty peaved with myself.

I know I've sung this song before, but I beg you to hear with fresh ears because it is with a fresh voice I'm singing. Not that it matters if anyone is listening, because I'm going on this journey alone, no matter what. But, I'd be lying if I said I didn't need the support. I'm starting Weight Watcher's in the morning. I have to.

Not too long ago, wearing a size 22, and weighing somewhere abouts 260 lbs, I was ACTUALLY feeling pretty okay, relatively fit, walking often. Set back sometimes by fibromyalgia, but I maintained my garden, cared for my kids, and had a good love-life with my husband.

Somewhere along the line (probably pushing a 4 and 2 year old in a double stroller up hill twice week), I injured myself badly enough to begin physical therapy for my hip, and found my occasional lower back pain worsening into some serious pain. Know the pain scale? We're talking 9-10. Labor-like pains, all day sometimes.

There was a defining week back in October: my physical therapist told me not to bend AT ALL. Haha! I have two kids, 5 cats, a dog, a husband (who, while mostly perfect, does like to leave his clothes on the floor every day), and a massive garden. Plus, I am a serious clutz. I must drop 50% of the things I pick up. No bending? How?

But, I tried it. I called little Ben and Hunter to pick things up for me. I succumbed to looking lazy and stupid, asking people around me to pick things up. The therapy helped, and I read a great book on fixing your back pain, but the insurance only covered several visits. And my pain worsened.

I went in for my annual appointment and asked for more physical therapy, which I have been given. Several months were approved, actually. I have been given muscle relaxers and more Vicodin, which I take daily because it is necessary. The therapy is helping, but I am in a lot of pain still.

So, since October I have not been able to to wash dishes, carry laundry, garden for more than 5 careful minutes at a time, clean low down or hard to reach places, and more. My husband has picked up most of those tasks. Last week we added "no vacuuming," per the physical therapist.

Most days walking through even a simple place like the grocery store is impossible. I am steps away from being one of those people in the motorized cart at Walmart.

In fact, sitting here hurts.

Turns out, when you take all those tasks away you have a pretty sedentary existence! I've put on 30 or more pounds (we'll see in the morning), and my size 24's are getting too snug to fit. My weight gain went straight to my breasts and stomach, which makes my back hurt soooo much more. This is a dangerous and alarming cycle I'm in.

I don't feel "right." My stomach is expanding like a pregnant woman's and it's uncomfortable. I am terribly unfit... but how do you stay fit when you can't DO anything? I'm starting to worry about my health in ways I have never though of before--- my blood pressure was high for the very first time in my life. I am beyond frustrated, and the only thing I feel I can do not is cut my calories. Make it right.

I am taking my guilty soothing pleasure of food away, and saving my own life. Period. Now. Well, in about 8 hours.

So kiss this fat lady goodbye, again. And wish me luck!!!

I have not attended a meeting for Weight Watcher's since the summer of 2002 (as I maintained 100 lbs weight loss), so I'm nervous and excited!!!!!!!


Misty said...

You go get em girl. And do it for YOURSELF too! For your health, your comfort, your little pleasures (like bending down to hug those sticky angels or put a plant in the ground.

I know the Weight Watchers gods will smite me for this, but I'm advocating a journal-rebellion. For me, writing down everything I eat turns into a toxic obsession. But, a journal of my little victories? Priceless.

Like, "today I walked around the block twice, pain-free." Or, "I climbed the stairs all the way to my (4th floor!) office without seeing stars." Or even, "I'm a good example. I convinced Doug not to pick the tomatoes out of his fajitas."

You know I love you babe.

Sarah said...

GOOD LUCK, JAMIE!!! I know you can do it! Ad you are such a good cook and baker, I bet you will be whipping up WW friendly recipes of your old favorites in no time. If I can do ANYTHING to help you, please let me know-- anything.

Sarah said...

I typed "ad" instead of "and," which is really funny b/c I have a cold, and that's totally how I would say it :)

Misty said...

I got to thinking last night, and realized I should have put some context. The *only* reason I climbed all those stairs to my office was that the elevator was busted. No picnic, but like I said, at least I didn't black out. Coulda been ugly...

leena! said...

Goooooooooooo Jamie! I know you can do it! Might I suggest you go old school on this problem and handle it like you would a bad case of nerves while on the speech team? Start blaring some motivational music (and yes, Indigo Girls counts, although I'm a big fan of rap), dance however you can (couch dancing is totally acceptable) and fake it till you make it. Small steps count, so celebrate them.

Have you tried working out in a pool? I have heard that is helpful for people going through physical therapy, as it puts less stress on the body. Finally, watch yourself a few episodes Biggest Loser. Especially the ones that show people with serious health issues that prevent them from doing the regular workouts everyone else does. They have to walk when everyone else runs, adjust all their workouts to account for their pain, but they keep pushing. And they succeed!

I have found that working out (for me at least) is a mental battle, so keep that in mind. Maybe you can't run a mile today, but you can work on your mental strength, which will come in handy when you CAN run that mile. Things like pushing yourself to do just a tiny bit more every workout can help with that. I know you have physical pain, but beyond that, I have found that I mentally give up on working out far before my body is pushed to it's limit. Walking two extra steps when it feels like you can't walk anymore can make you feel like a super woman!

I love you lady, and I happen to know from experience you are one tough cookie. Please let me know if I can help with anything!

Jamie said...

Thanks everyone!
Misty, totally making this the most self-indulgent thing I've done since licking the fudge bowl this Christmas.
I love journalling. It really helps me. If I don't journal, I lose track. I blame the fibromyalgia brain. I journalled every day for 3 years the first time, and didn't mind. It becomes second nature to me. Helps that I am at home all the time.
The little victories will probably be documented here. This is feeling nice! I love you, too!
Thanks Sarah, I'm alerady thinking of ways to doctor the family foods. And lol.
You are sooo right Leena. And thanks for your phone call today. So helpful!

gina said...

Don't forget Jamie--you and Alison were the inspiration for all of us! I know it's not going to be easy but I do know that when you're in the mindset, there is nothing stopping you. Yay for you! I'm still doing WW online so let's talk.

Jamie said...

Thanks, Gina. I felt on top of the world back then. Seeing how incredible Alison still looks, to this day, makes me feel like monumental failure. I think that is what I am afriad of the most. Failing. I feel like everyone can see how much I have failed every time they look at me. But, I will not fail this time. It's not an option. ;)