Dare I say, pathetic?

It was almost a year ago I posted this annoying blog about recommiting myself to losing weight. I thought, I actaully believed, if I posted it for all of my world to see I'd commit and re-lose the weight I'm lugging around my ass. I think the attempt at weight loss lasted less than a month before I starting eating poorly again. I controlled my caloric intake once more in the fall, and fell off the diet hard when I went on vacation. Then, again, in December, I started counting calories, and lost 12 lbs. Getting confused? So was I.

Here I am in April, still only 12 lbs down, and fluctuating way too much. I gained 4 lbs while my mom, Jason, and Alyssa visited here in March, and I have already lost 2 of those 4. This week, I'm bloated, feeling like a grew a new chin, and my appetite is pathetic. I have been shoving tuna and cheetoes (I ate this combo for lunch everyday from like Kindergarten to 6th grade,a nd the kids love cheetoes, so I buy them) and tortilla chips with avacados down my throat like I'm getting paid for it. One thing is clear, I should never give myself permission to eat more for any occasion, b/c clearly I have trouble going back to cutting calories when the occasion is over. I should give myself permission to not have boatloads of food so I can live longer and be healthier for me and my children.

I should say I don't like diets. Having been every size from a 10 to a 24 I have some pretty powerful opinions about the body. I frown when someone tells me they are "dieting." I hate listening to people talk about how they don't like their bodies, or criticizing someone else's body. I oppose surgical altering of the body in any way, right down to hair dye to some degree, although I'm not entirely opposed. Bodies are not meant to look any particular way, thus even models have their pictures photoshoped to create inaccurate ideals. I don't think anyone should try to be something they aren't. We all have curves, straight parts, cellulite, baggage, scars, veins, blotches, variations (not imperfections) in our skin. I tried for 3 years to maintain a figure of less than 170lbs and I nearly killed myself trying. I believe all bodies are healthy at different weights, and there's not set standard any jackass who researchs can set for a "healthy weight" b/c health involves a lot more than a scale-created number. Health involves cholestral, body fat, energy, endurance, ease of use and so much more. I know plenty of people who are 100 lbs lighter than me who are a ton less fit than I am. Many of them probably have more lard in their veins, too, but that's beside the point.

Most of my fat time I've felt pretty healthy. I don't feel healthy right now. And the scale doesn't lie, despite my salt intake. I feel overfull. I am uncomfortable. I want to lose some weight. AND I DON'T WANT TO FAIL, AND START OVER AND OVER ALL YEAR. I want to move a bit more freely, and have even more stamina to chase these kids. I know from experience weight loss does not bring beauty, or satisfaction. I felt horrid, scraggly, boobless, and cheated when I lost 100 lbs. I felt like I lost touch with myself, and I hated my body more than ever b/c I still had the same shape, same scars, same lumps, they were just smaller in scale. I don't want to be thin, ever again, but I'd like to be smaller. 5o-60 lbs smaller.

In this year I've joined the YMCA, and certainly built up my fitness. I can do an hour on the elliptical, walk, garden, all without losing my breath or straining myself too badly. But, I've not cut calories consistently. Writing things down became a chore, a burden, and a violation. I never felt this way before, the first time I was on weight watchers writing was a nice way to organize things, to keep track, but this last year I've tossed the journal in the trash so to speak. I keep justifying the end of tracking my calories by telling myself, 'now is just not the time.' Well, then the hell is, then Jamie? What am I waiting for.

I could do without the mass of frustration I'm experiencing. I fall asleep 5 nights a week with the intent to wake up and start losing weight. By noon I forget it.

I don't have anything else profound to say, as if any of this quliafies as profound. I just needed to vent, and say I'm trying again. Sort of loses it's gusto after the 10th time, doesn't it? That was too negative of a statement for me... I'm going to start by getting a big glass of water here, and planning an active afternoon and sensible dinner. One step at a time. I am so sick of being a loser and failing over and over because I am better than this. I can do better. And I will. I hope to be able to show you.

How are you feeling about your health?