Fake it till you make it.

I'll never forget being a freshmen at Bradley, alumni work weekend, being so excited for Nationals, but also very anxious to be my best. I had this POI (programmed oral interpretation), about housewives. Travis Russ was coaching me in the stairwell by the speech suite. He wanted to make me more intense, more animated and realistic, so he was crawling around me and acting out the part of my children in Walmart, as the scene in my POI called for. That coaching sesson was a turning point for me. See, in high school I remember Travis coaching people at camp, and I wanted so bad to be coached by him... and here I was, and I felt like I was doing the best I could. At camp he used to say, "Fake it till you make it!" I faked it all season, seeing those kids knock over whole stacks of toilet tissue in the Walmart store aisle, but in that stair case I made it really happen, with his help of course. His coaching led me to be able to visualize, leading to me many successful and satisfying performances filled with just the right amount of visualization.

If only I had time travel, my kids are seriously crazy in Walmart, no visualization required, people!

Right now, I'm in a oddly similar situation. I have always been a confident person. I like myself, and I'm generally pleased with my life circumstances. Lately, I have not felt good about myself, about my weight gain, and emotional eating habits, but on a daily basis I sort of fake it. I ignore that I should be making better choices. I work out, and justify eating more than I should because I excercised. I ignore the fact that the size 16 jeans I wore last winter barely zip. I tell myself there's plenty of time to get back into them. I make excuses. And eat instead of changing my habits. I do weight watcher's for a day, and by day two, I'm back to lying to myself and ignoring my food journal. I don't admit to myself that I've failed at the diet one more time.

I'm hoping this doctor's appointment was the turning point for me. Right now, it feels as though it may have been. I'm on day 3 of counting calories, and I'm not faking it. I am really counting every single calorie. I am really writing down every single morsel that enters my mouth, even lettuce and cucumbers. Perhaps I'll make it this time?

I took these just before the doctors appointment, the first smile is very forced, and the second is real, jagged teeth and all. Just time to document who I am right now. This woman deserves to get healthy, to learn about food again, to be around for her kid's whole lives, to eat in moderation, and love herself.